Back In The Saddle...Again

I had this really witty post swimming around in my head yesterday and then I decided I should write a Serious Post, so I started on that instead, and now I can’t remember any of the witty stuff I was going to write about in the first place! And no, I haven’t finished the Serious Post because it’s hard to write and it’s turning out to be REALLY long so I’ll probably have to break it up into at least a couple different posts because God knows that even I don’t want to read that much about my life in one sitting.

I’ll tell you one thing, though: I know one reason I don’t write in my blog very often is because I’m intimidated by all the amazing writers out there. I mean, I never wanted to be a Real Writer, although I was pretty good at writing papers approximately one million years ago in school . But then I read all these wonderful posts from amazing bloggers and I feel inadequate. Which is just silly, I know, because like I said, I know I’m not a Real Writer. So there’s something to work on, should I run out of other psychoses.

Speaking of not being a writer, I’m writing this post in Microsoft Word and the grammar checker is telling me that the last sentence of that paragraph should be: “…I know I is not a writer.” WTF?? And now it’s telling me that sentence isn’t right either, so who the hell knows what’s going on in the world anymore? It’s exhausting.

I’m going to Orlando this weekend for a work conference. That’s in Florida. As in, practically all the way across the country from me. I’ve never had any desire to go to Florida; not that there’s anything wrong with the state itself (as far as I know), but the very idea of the humidity is making me melt right here in my air-conditioned apartment. And not in a good way. I didn’t really mind sweating as an activity until a few years ago when I started taking anti-depressant medication that lists “excessive sweating” as one of the side effects. When I consider the alternative, it really isn’t the worst thing in the world. But it’s certainly not the most convenient thing, either. Anyway, we’re staying in a fancy schmancy resort hotel that I won’t even get to see most of because they’ve got us booked 24/7 with boring conference sessions. Seriously, what are they thinking? But, there are a couple of cocktail hours listed on the official agenda, and I intend to squeeze a couple more in if at all possible.

Still working on getting my etsy shop up and running. Main hurdle is still that I can’t come up with a name for said shop. It’s starting to piss me off.

I’m so not ready for fall. I really love the season, and we usually do get a nice chunk of fall-like weather, but I have no SWEATERS! Or SHOES! Or CUTE COATS! I’ve been wearing flip flops all summer, even to work, and I’m afraid I’ll have to make that transition sooner rather than later, and I don’t know if I mentioned this but I have NO SHOES!

You know how at the beginning of “What About Bob?” Bill Murray says “good morning” to his goldfish, Gil? And when the goldfish doesn’t answer (I can’t believe I just typed that, as if the goldfish really should have answered), he says “I said, good morning Gil.” Sometimes I feel like that with my boyfriend.

In related news, I talked to my therapist today about how I don’t think my boyfriend and I are having enough sex. I’ve always had a pretty high sex drive, but I’ve never been in a relationship where I wanted more sex than the guy does, and I’m not quite sure how to handle it. My therapist actually had the nerve to suggest that I TALK to him about it. After like seven years together, you’d think she would know me better than that. Sheesh. So if anyone is reading this and has had to have this sort of conversation in the past, please give me pointers! I’m scared spitless to bring it up.

And finally, I feel like I must go on record as saying that I hate “reality” tv. I’m looking at YOU America’s Next Top Model, HGTV’s DesignStar, and So You Think You Can Dance! Also, shaking a finger at Big Brother, Survivor, and Amazing Race. And I’m most emphatically screaming at Who Wants To Marry/Cook For/Lick The Feet Of My Dad/Mom/Brother/Sister/Dog!! Bring on the hate, people.

Why is coming up with a title always the hardest part?

I haven't posted in just about forever, even though I think about it almost every day. I don't feel like my thoughts have been very coherent lately, so I've hesitated to write anything. But I'm having one of those nights where I can't sleep, and a random list seems in order.

• I can't believe that summer is already two-thirds over! Where did it all go? I don't feel like I've had NEARLY enough alcohol summertime fun yet, so I've got some serious drinking to do to get right on that.
• I have two mosquito bites on my thigh that are making me crazy right now. They both feel like they have two little bites, but...do mosquitoes have fangs like that? Is it possible that I was bitten that many times by one mosquito? Or was I attacked by a a whole GANG of mosquitoes while I was sleeping in my own bed??
• Also, who made up the spelling of "mosquito"? Craziness.
• So...how do you know when a relationship has run its course? The boyfriend and I have just about hit our one-year anniversary, and while I'm terribly impressed that anyone has managed to put up with me for this long, it's also causing me to think about The Relationship. I've known almost right from the start that he doesn't want to get married again, and honestly I've never thought about him as someone I would marry. And most of the time, I'm OK with that. I mean, I'm pretty sure that I do want to get married some day, but I also know that just getting married so that I can say that I'm Mrs. Whoever is a huge mistake (see: all notes on ex-fiancee). So, I've always seen our relationship as a good thing as long as it was working for both of us, i.e. we're both content and enjoying each other while also knowing that it's Going Nowhere. Well, recently I've begun to feel ever-so-slightly less content here and there, and we had an interesting conversation the other night that basically consisted of him telling me that he thinks I deserve more/better than what he's able to give me, both emotionally and physically. And while I know that some of what he said is true, it scared the crap out of me to think of being without him. So uh, while I can now see that this should be its own separate post, I can't stop wondering how I'll know when it's really time to let go.
• Of course, the reappearance of this guy hasn't made the last bullet point any easier to figure out, obvs. That whole thing is WAY too complicated to get into in one bullet point, but suffice it to say, my heart and head are in knots 24/7.
• I have got to get rid of this saggy spare tire that has decided to put down roots around my midsection. And yes, it does make a difference that it's saggy: a spare tire I can handle, but once it gets saggy? Just ewwwww. Trust me.
• I just got all my hair chopped off again, and every time I do it, I remember how much I love having short hair and wonder why I ever even try to grow it out. Also, I don't get why men are so fascinated with long hair. I mean, I kind of get it - there's a sexiness factor there - but I've always been of the opinion that if the whole package looks good, why does it matter how long someone's hair is? And also, too...it's HAIR, people. It GROWS BACK. Sheesh.
• I want an iPhone, really for no other reason than that it LOOKS SUPER COOL. App-apalooza, people!!
• I found out a few weeks ago that the ex-fiancee is really sick, and will probably die within a few months if he can't get a liver transplant. Yeah. And while I realize that this situation is not about me AT ALL, I couldn't help but think that if we'd gotten married, I would be preparing to be a widow. I just can't fathom what that would be like. Ever, much less as a 37-year-old newlywed. Anyway, I went to see him and we talked and it was a good thing. Funny how having a terminal illness can really break the ice in that situation. Or actually, not funny at all.
• I've developed a sort of addiction to root beer floats recently. Yummmmmmmmmmm.
• I'm going to the Portland area in a couple of weeks for my grandpa's 90th birthday, which I think totally rocks. He's determined to live to be 100, and he'll probably make it. All of my extended family will be there (except my cousin in Iraq), and it will be the first time we've all been together in years. I'm really looking forward to a wonderful week of laughing, eating, relaxing, and enjoying the mild Portland weather (pretty please!!).
• I've recently been told that toe rings are "out". Honestly, I had no idea! And I must wholeheartedly disagree. I LURVE my toe ring. To me, it means SUMMAHTIME BAY-BEE!! Also, it camouflages my crooked toe.

I'm going to attempt sleeping again...hopefully whoever keeps turning my pillows into rocky formations will LAY OFF ALREADY. I needs me some beauty sleep.

Where's the Pepto??!

And today, he's texting me. Gah!

Of course

Ran into this guy tonight at the movies.

It sucked.

The end.

Inside Out

I'm guessing that most people at some point in their lives have wished they could be someone else, probably out of jealousy over what the other person had: athletic talent, money, beauty, fame. I've done that plenty of times, too. Right now, though, I'm not just wishing I was someone else...mostly, I'm wishing that I just wasn't me. I'm tired of being me.

Tired...of not being able to pay my bills every month and always being behind...of dealing with my depression and wondering if I'll ever feel good for more than a few days at a time...of living in a tiny one-bedroom apartment that isn't big enough to even have my family over for dinner...of feeling like my life is passing me by, that I'm the only one that can do anything about it, and of the pressure brought on by that fact...of feeling like I'm too much or not enough, that I want too much of the wrong things and not enough of the right ones, whatever those are...of feeling like I won't ever be able to show anyone who I truly am...of feeling like I won't ever figure out what I want in a relationship, and that even if I do, he's not really out there anyway...and tired of feeling like I won't ever measure up to what I want to be.

I just want to check out for awhile, take a break from life. Just sort of go into "pause" mode. Because I'm not any good at this, at my life. Surely if I were someone else I would have made different decisions along the way, chosen other paths, stopped to smell different roses. And maybe those roses would have had fewer thorns. Or maybe not, I don't know. I just know that it seems like I'm failing miserably at this thing.

you

i was thinking tonight about the very first email you sent me on myspace. you told me i was hot, and when i checked out your profile, i couldn't believe that someone as good looking as you would be interested in me. i just really couldn't believe it. and you were younger than me, which was very flattering. so i emailed you back. and that was the start. we chatted online a little bit and i liked you more and more. there was that picture of you on your myspace page wearing the billy-bob teeth, and you sent me a picture on my cell phone just to prove that you actually have really good teeth. it was very cute. and the pictures of you with your girls melted my heart, especially the one of you painting their fingernails. i could see right there that you were a good man, a good father.

and then we met for a beer one night on a tuesday, i think, and we hit it off. you talked a lot, which i really liked. and when we said goodnight in the parking lot, you gave me a hug and then turned away really quickly and went to your car. i could tell you weren't quite sure what to do, that you were a little shy about it. and then we met again a couple nights later, and when we said goodnight that time, you kissed me. your lips were so soft and you put your arms all the way around me. when you pulled away you smiled and shook your head and said "this is really bad" and when i asked what you meant you told me what a good kisser i was and that you liked me. and i was hooked. totally and completely hooked. your smile, your eyes, your voice...i loved everything about you. you had your head shaved then because it was the start of summer. when you talked about your girls, your eyes lit up, and i could tell you were a good father. you talked about mistakes you'd made in the past, and how you were trying to clean things up. you told me that your mom was your best friend and that you were a black sheep in your dad's eyes.

i don't remember all the details but we had sex relatively quickly, and one of the things i remembered the most after we stopped seeing each other was the way the tribal-band tattoos on your biceps looked in the semi-darkness of my bedroom on those nights when you'd come over. i would grab onto your arms when you were inside me and i could feel the firmness of your muscles, a testament to the difference in our ages. i couldn't get enough of you. there was obviously a very strong physical attraction between us but i loved everything else about you too. i could picture us together. i wanted to meet your girls and become a part of your life. but for whatever reason, you couldn't handle that, and we stopped seeing each other. in reality, we'd only known each other about a month when you called it off, but it really felt like i'd known you forever. you were so open about your life and your feelings and everything you said, every story you told, just drew me in deeper. i wanted to tell you everything about myself. i'd never wanted to do that with anyone before. and i still feel that way. i still think about you every single day. after two years, and being engaged, and even having a boyfriend for the last nine months, i think about you and miss you every day.

when you told me the other day that you got someone else pregnant and that you two might keep the baby, i was actually jealous of her. me, the woman that doesn't want to have children, is jealous of this woman that gets to have a baby with you and have you in her life forever. when we've seen each other over the last couple years, i've often thought that you would be someone i'd make an exception for in my no children policy. because the idea of having your baby touches me in a way that i've never felt before.

my heart is aching right now...at the possibility of never seeing you again, at the thought of you taking a path that could be a huge mistake for you, and knowing that given the chance you might not choose me instead. i've wanted to tell you for so long that i love you, that i've loved you since that first kiss in the parking lot by your truck outside the cheesecake factory. and now that you're probably gone, i feel desperate to tell you, like it's more important than ever that you know how i feel. even if it doesn't make a difference. even if you don't change your mind. but i told you i'd leave it up to you if you wanted any contact with me.

when you showed up at my door a month ago out of the blue, it was truly the most wonderful surprise i could have imagined. you asked if i ever thought about you and i had to tell you that i think about you all the time. i figured i had nothing to lose by being honest. your showing up was a fluke, a huge stroke of luck, and i knew i had to take advantage of the opportunity.

i don't know why we've stayed connected after all this time. i believe that things happen for a reason but i don't know why all this is happening right now. i hate that our relationship is changing yet again. but if that's the way it has to be then i will learn to live with it because i want you to be happy. whatever that means for you. and that's how i know that i love you.

Sometimes There's Just No Good Title, Ya Know??

My therapist says I'm in an action-taking place in my life, and I agree with her wholeheartedly. There are some things going on that would undoubtedly be better if I were to take some action on them (i.e. my finances). However, there are some other things going on in my world that aren't quite so simple to resolve...things that are emotional and even spiritual in nature that aren't as easy to fix. It's those things that are keeping me in one place, where the world appears to be safe, but if I look closely I can see that the ground isn't solid. One wrong step could send me tumbling to a very frightening place - a place where I'd have to be real with myself and cut out the bullshit and excuses and the pretending to be things that I'm not.

Would this be good for me? Probably. The thing is, I'm not sure I know how to be real, even with myself. There are things I'm afraid of - what I want or don't want, what I am and what I'm not, and probably won't ever be - that I can't tell my therapist. I can't even say them out loud to myself. I can't write them (mostly) anonymously here on my blog. You see, I've discovered some things about myself in the last year - since I broke off my engagement - that have been a surprise to me, and not really in a good way. I've always seen myself in a certain way, or believed certain things about myself to be true...like that I'm a trustworthy person, or I'm very loyal or punctual...things like that. And it turns out that some of those things aren't true. I've become someone that I don't always recognize, and I don't know when that happened.

I was hoping this would make a lot more sense as I was writing it, but I don't think that happened. Obviously, it's hard to talk about something without really talking about it, but even if I were to be more clear, I doubt it would make any sense. It certainly doesn't make any sense in my head right now. Maybe this is the sort of thing that I'll have to work out in stages, and this is Stage One: Incoherent Rambling. I just know that right now I feel lost, confused, unequipped, and very alone.