Where's the Pepto??!

And today, he's texting me. Gah!

Of course

Ran into this guy tonight at the movies.

It sucked.

The end.

Inside Out

I'm guessing that most people at some point in their lives have wished they could be someone else, probably out of jealousy over what the other person had: athletic talent, money, beauty, fame. I've done that plenty of times, too. Right now, though, I'm not just wishing I was someone else...mostly, I'm wishing that I just wasn't me. I'm tired of being me.

Tired...of not being able to pay my bills every month and always being behind...of dealing with my depression and wondering if I'll ever feel good for more than a few days at a time...of living in a tiny one-bedroom apartment that isn't big enough to even have my family over for dinner...of feeling like my life is passing me by, that I'm the only one that can do anything about it, and of the pressure brought on by that fact...of feeling like I'm too much or not enough, that I want too much of the wrong things and not enough of the right ones, whatever those are...of feeling like I won't ever be able to show anyone who I truly am...of feeling like I won't ever figure out what I want in a relationship, and that even if I do, he's not really out there anyway...and tired of feeling like I won't ever measure up to what I want to be.

I just want to check out for awhile, take a break from life. Just sort of go into "pause" mode. Because I'm not any good at this, at my life. Surely if I were someone else I would have made different decisions along the way, chosen other paths, stopped to smell different roses. And maybe those roses would have had fewer thorns. Or maybe not, I don't know. I just know that it seems like I'm failing miserably at this thing.

you

i was thinking tonight about the very first email you sent me on myspace. you told me i was hot, and when i checked out your profile, i couldn't believe that someone as good looking as you would be interested in me. i just really couldn't believe it. and you were younger than me, which was very flattering. so i emailed you back. and that was the start. we chatted online a little bit and i liked you more and more. there was that picture of you on your myspace page wearing the billy-bob teeth, and you sent me a picture on my cell phone just to prove that you actually have really good teeth. it was very cute. and the pictures of you with your girls melted my heart, especially the one of you painting their fingernails. i could see right there that you were a good man, a good father.

and then we met for a beer one night on a tuesday, i think, and we hit it off. you talked a lot, which i really liked. and when we said goodnight in the parking lot, you gave me a hug and then turned away really quickly and went to your car. i could tell you weren't quite sure what to do, that you were a little shy about it. and then we met again a couple nights later, and when we said goodnight that time, you kissed me. your lips were so soft and you put your arms all the way around me. when you pulled away you smiled and shook your head and said "this is really bad" and when i asked what you meant you told me what a good kisser i was and that you liked me. and i was hooked. totally and completely hooked. your smile, your eyes, your voice...i loved everything about you. you had your head shaved then because it was the start of summer. when you talked about your girls, your eyes lit up, and i could tell you were a good father. you talked about mistakes you'd made in the past, and how you were trying to clean things up. you told me that your mom was your best friend and that you were a black sheep in your dad's eyes.

i don't remember all the details but we had sex relatively quickly, and one of the things i remembered the most after we stopped seeing each other was the way the tribal-band tattoos on your biceps looked in the semi-darkness of my bedroom on those nights when you'd come over. i would grab onto your arms when you were inside me and i could feel the firmness of your muscles, a testament to the difference in our ages. i couldn't get enough of you. there was obviously a very strong physical attraction between us but i loved everything else about you too. i could picture us together. i wanted to meet your girls and become a part of your life. but for whatever reason, you couldn't handle that, and we stopped seeing each other. in reality, we'd only known each other about a month when you called it off, but it really felt like i'd known you forever. you were so open about your life and your feelings and everything you said, every story you told, just drew me in deeper. i wanted to tell you everything about myself. i'd never wanted to do that with anyone before. and i still feel that way. i still think about you every single day. after two years, and being engaged, and even having a boyfriend for the last nine months, i think about you and miss you every day.

when you told me the other day that you got someone else pregnant and that you two might keep the baby, i was actually jealous of her. me, the woman that doesn't want to have children, is jealous of this woman that gets to have a baby with you and have you in her life forever. when we've seen each other over the last couple years, i've often thought that you would be someone i'd make an exception for in my no children policy. because the idea of having your baby touches me in a way that i've never felt before.

my heart is aching right now...at the possibility of never seeing you again, at the thought of you taking a path that could be a huge mistake for you, and knowing that given the chance you might not choose me instead. i've wanted to tell you for so long that i love you, that i've loved you since that first kiss in the parking lot by your truck outside the cheesecake factory. and now that you're probably gone, i feel desperate to tell you, like it's more important than ever that you know how i feel. even if it doesn't make a difference. even if you don't change your mind. but i told you i'd leave it up to you if you wanted any contact with me.

when you showed up at my door a month ago out of the blue, it was truly the most wonderful surprise i could have imagined. you asked if i ever thought about you and i had to tell you that i think about you all the time. i figured i had nothing to lose by being honest. your showing up was a fluke, a huge stroke of luck, and i knew i had to take advantage of the opportunity.

i don't know why we've stayed connected after all this time. i believe that things happen for a reason but i don't know why all this is happening right now. i hate that our relationship is changing yet again. but if that's the way it has to be then i will learn to live with it because i want you to be happy. whatever that means for you. and that's how i know that i love you.

Sometimes There's Just No Good Title, Ya Know??

My therapist says I'm in an action-taking place in my life, and I agree with her wholeheartedly. There are some things going on that would undoubtedly be better if I were to take some action on them (i.e. my finances). However, there are some other things going on in my world that aren't quite so simple to resolve...things that are emotional and even spiritual in nature that aren't as easy to fix. It's those things that are keeping me in one place, where the world appears to be safe, but if I look closely I can see that the ground isn't solid. One wrong step could send me tumbling to a very frightening place - a place where I'd have to be real with myself and cut out the bullshit and excuses and the pretending to be things that I'm not.

Would this be good for me? Probably. The thing is, I'm not sure I know how to be real, even with myself. There are things I'm afraid of - what I want or don't want, what I am and what I'm not, and probably won't ever be - that I can't tell my therapist. I can't even say them out loud to myself. I can't write them (mostly) anonymously here on my blog. You see, I've discovered some things about myself in the last year - since I broke off my engagement - that have been a surprise to me, and not really in a good way. I've always seen myself in a certain way, or believed certain things about myself to be true...like that I'm a trustworthy person, or I'm very loyal or punctual...things like that. And it turns out that some of those things aren't true. I've become someone that I don't always recognize, and I don't know when that happened.

I was hoping this would make a lot more sense as I was writing it, but I don't think that happened. Obviously, it's hard to talk about something without really talking about it, but even if I were to be more clear, I doubt it would make any sense. It certainly doesn't make any sense in my head right now. Maybe this is the sort of thing that I'll have to work out in stages, and this is Stage One: Incoherent Rambling. I just know that right now I feel lost, confused, unequipped, and very alone.

Happenings (Not to be confused with "The Happening", which totally sucked rocks.)

I've been neglectful and lazy lately, which isn't really all that surprising. I mean, I doubt anyone is falling out of their chairs from reading that first sentence. I know I'm not! So just what have I been doing? Well, let's see...

After a brief lapse over the Easter weekend, I'm back on track with the new eating plan. I lost 4 pounds in the first two weeks, which thrilled me to no end. I've tried not to make too big a deal about it in front of other people - or even to myself - because I'm still afraid that it's not real. That this new lifestyle thing won't take. But it seems to be working so far. And it hasn't been the most horrific experience of my life so far, which, I must admit, comes as a complete shock to me. I really thought it would be torturous, but I've been learning to face each food decision as one, tiny baby step, just taking things as they come and not obsessing over whether something is good or bad. More than that, I think I've finally convinced myself that I don't have to order the combo just because it's on the menu. I'm able to remember that there will be other chocolate chip cookies in my future. And I'm even eating some fruits and veggies BECAUSE THEY SOUND GOOD. I know!

Speaking of Easter, it's my job as The Most Awesome Aunt In The World (it is too official!) to dye eggs with my sister's kids. We had so much fun this year! My nephews are 14 and 12, and have become quite witty as they've grown up, but in very different ways. The 14-year-old has a very dry, subtle sense of humor, while the younger one is happiest when he's in the spotlight, putting on a full-fledged show complete with props and assistants from the audience. They absolutely crack me up, and they're just so much fun to be around. They each took their time using a crayon to draw strange things on all their eggs before placing them in the dye cups (I have four words for you: Nacho Libre Easter Egg); it was really entertaining to watch them work so hard on something that, at their ages, they could think was really dumb. My niece, on the other hand, was all about efficiency. Each of her eggs stayed in the dye for about 23 seconds before she declared that they were dark enough. I think we got her to keep a couple of them in a bit longer, but she's not much with patience. Cute as a button, though, as she is currently missing her four front teeth. I mean, she's always cute as a button, but she's totally rockin' the toothless look.

And here's the newsflash of the century: I worry too much. The bf was astute enough to point that out to me just moments ago via text. Duh.

I've discovered this fabulous new way to get my ass to work (almost) every day - I've started taking a shower before bed so that I just have to wet my hair in the morning before I get ready. For some reason, the whole showering process seems ridiculously difficult first thing in the morning. I know, what am I? Ten years old? No, just someone that has zero motivation most of the time, and don't even get me started about six o'clock in the morning! Plus, when I know I'm getting ready to go to a job that I despise a little more with each passing hour...well, let's just say that doesn't sweeten the pot for me AT ALL. But, hooray for having enough time to shave my legs every day if I want to (which I don't)!

That reminds me - I should be getting that shower thing taken care of so I can go to bed. I have some other, more interesting things to tell you about - like what the ex-fiancee decided to do to me in order to secure his place in history as the saddest, most pathetic man in the universe ever, or what I've been doing in my spare time that I have to tell someone about, even though I'm totally not proud of myself but I also don't feel that bad about it - but those will have to wait for another post. I know, you can hardly stand the wait.

How long can one person have PMS before it actually kills her? The answer to this and other vexing questions when we return.

You ever get to that place where you've been cruising along for awhile, everything is going good, no major bumps in the road, and then WHAM! out of nowhere you get hit with a mini-tornado and a big, messy mix of snow and rain at practically the same time, and you don't know if you're supposed to hide in the basement to escape the wind or head for high ground so you don't get swept out to sea, and you're not only scared because the roof of your house is getting ripped off in big chunks, but also because you never thought it was possible for it to rain and snow and tornado (it's totally a verb. shut up.) all at once, and if all that's possible, then many other things you had taken for granted and just believed with blind faith could also possibly not be true, and then where does THAT leave you? In a shithole, that's where.

In other completely surprising and counter-intuitive news, I'm doing pretty good with the new eating thing. Tomorrow morning is weigh-in time, so keep your fingers crossed.

And now back to the hole.